Mental Load Explained: Why It Feels So Heavy and What to Do About It
Ever feel like your brain has 42 tabs open at once, and somehow you're responsible for keeping them all running smoothly? That's the mental load: the invisible weight of remembering, anticipating, planning, and emotionally managing everything that keeps a family and a life running. It’s not about doing the things (although you probably do those too), it’s about remembering them, organizing them, and making sure nothing falls through the cracks.
If you feel chronically overwhelmed or resentful despite a seemingly “equal” split of tasks at home, this post is for you. Because you might not be carrying everything, but you’re definitely carrying too much. Mental load is such a huge topic; we could talk about it for hours! But let’s keep it simple for now: we’ll walk through the basics so you can better understand what’s happening and take the first steps toward managing it more effectively.
🧠 What Mental Load is (and What it isn’t)
Mental load isn’t the same as physical labor. It’s not cleaning the bathroom, cooking lunch and dinner, or driving to soccer practice. It’s thinking about when the bathroom needs to be cleaned, what groceries are needed for the week, what to cook every day, whether there's a birthday party this weekend, and whether your kid will have clean clothes for it. It’s the planning, anticipating, and coordinating that goes unnoticed but is utterly exhausting.
🗣️ Why we’re Talking about it More Now
Mental load has always existed, but it wasn’t named or shared as much before. Now, because of Social Media and people having more open conversations, it has a name, a lot of people talk about it, and many of us are finally realizing that we’re not crazy, we’re just burnt out. Or from the other side, that your partner is not crazy and doesn’t hate you, it’s just burnt out.
But it’s not only that we talk about it more; the load itself has grown.
⏰ More Work, Same 24 Hours
Women today often juggle professional jobs and the majority of household responsibilities. Unlike past generations where home was the central role (which came with its own limitations, sure), today’s women may have careers, or side hustles, and/or simply a desire for a life beyond home and family responsibilities. Yet, women still carry most of it, so work just became another tab in the always growing and never ending mental browser.
🌟 Expectations have Changed (but the Load hasn’t Shifted Enough)
Our expectations for life have evolved. Many of us didn’t grow up dreaming of being full-time homemakers. We pursued education, careers, and passions! And now feel the whiplash of also being expected to manage the logistics of a 1950s household on top of it all. Even more, many of us never learned these domestic skills until adulthood, so we’re learning and managing at the same time. No wonder we feel behind.
A little note here: many women still choose to make home and childcare their main work, and if that’s what they love and have intentionally decided, it's a wonderful choice! But that doesn’t mean that their partners have 0% responsibility over their kids and home, or that they should be expected to work around the clock with no time to rest, recharge, or do things that fill their own cup.
⚖️ The "Extra" Load of Modern Parenthood
Feeding, dressing, and sending kids to school, used to be enough. Nowadays, you’re also expected to craft Pinterest-worthy birthday parties, write thank-you notes, celebrate every holiday with customized decoration, participate in school events, and more. The mental to-do list has grown exponentially and never ends, and depending on the country or area where you live, the cultural pressure may be next level.
🪫 Our Brains Are Overstimulated and Overloaded
Add to all that, the constant notifications, decisions, and information our brains process every single day. Our phones and devices keep us connected but also overloaded, having to manage more information than ever before on a constant basis. We’re tired not because we’re weak, but because our brains were never designed for this level of constant stimulation and non-stop choices.
🧨 The Problem(s) with Mental Load
Problem #1: Mental Load Affects Everyone
Whether you’re single, partnered, with kids or without, you carry a mental load. The key is organizing and prioritizing your energy, so you don’t spend it all on things that don’t actually matter to you or that don't match your priorities. That means simplifying, setting boundaries, and optimizing your systems in order to make the load as light as possible and run it in the most efficient way.
Problem #2: It's Invisible (So It Feels Ignored)
One of the hardest parts about mental load is that it’s invisible, so when you try to talk about it, it often feels dismissed or misunderstood. Because it’s not something people can see like a dirty kitchen or an overflowing laundry basket, your exhaustion may be met with confusion, skepticism, or even comments like “just say what you need me to do” (which by the way, adds to the load). That invisibility makes it harder to validate your own experience, and even harder to get the support you need. But just because it’s unseen doesn’t mean it’s not real (or important).
Problem #3: The Imbalance in Families
In most heterosexual couples, even when men participate more at home than previous generations, the invisible labor—the planning, remembering, and deciding—often still falls to women. And that imbalance, even if subtle, creates resentment and fatigue. Studies show this is significantly less relevant in same-sex couples, which points to old social patterns still at play.
But this post's goal is not blaming men. It's recognizing that the way society has been structured traps all of us—men and women—into roles and dynamics we didn’t always choose and might not even notice until the stress becomes unbearable for us or our partner. When we talk about mental load, we're not pointing fingers; we're shining a light on invisible systems that need to be redesigned. The most practical approach is to focus on awareness and collaboration instead of guilt, because when we understand the real root of the problem, we can work together on the solution.
Kids: A Growing Part of the Load & Imbalance generators
Another dynamic? Kids who don’t contribute. Many children are raised without expectations to participate at home, while their needs and demands keep growing. This not only adds more work and mental load for parents, but removes the opportunity for kids to develop purpose, independence, and responsibility; which is proven to be a decisive factor for higher rates of depression in adulthood. It might feel easier to do it all yourself, but in the long run, that’s a recipe for burnout, and kids that will repeat the patterns while crushing under their own mental loads and lack of skills to manage it.
So... What Can You Actually Do?
Now that we understand what mental load is, why it's heavier than ever, and how it sneaks into our daily lives often unnoticed, the question is: what can we actually do about it? While there’s no magic wand (sorry, I’ve looked!), there are clear, actionable ways to start shifting the balance, lightening the load, and reclaiming some peace of mind. Let’s walk through the most important ones together.
1
Align With Your Partner
Have the conversation. Explain what mental load means. Don’t assume they see it, because you don't know what you don't know. Use tools like the Fair Play method or follow accounts that explore this topic, from both men and women to see different points of view. Don’t expect instant change, change takes time. And yes, it might bring discomfort, but the result of working as a team is worth it. If you've tried before and didn't work, don't let it go if it's affecting you and your marriage, keep trying new approaches and options until you find something that works for you.
2
Simplify Your Life
My favorite tool of all: simplify. Cut out what doesn’t really matter. This might mean fewer events, less pressure to decorate, a simpler routine, more relaxed standards, or even redefining what a "perfect" celebration looks like. It’s also about asking yourself “how is this going to make my life better” before committing to a new activity or buying a new thing. Get real about what truly adds value, and drop the rest.
Some useful tools here can be found in my posts about the Perfection Trap and Simplifying your life.
3
Get Organized and Automate
Create systems that work for you: shared grocery lists, apps to manage housework & chores, family calendars, reminders, routines, meal plans... Anything you can automate or simplify, do it. Systems don’t mean rigidity like many people think, they mean fewer decisions to make, so less decision fatigue, less stress, and a better ability to manage the rest.
Also, you can learn more about this in my post about how Organization changes everything.
4
Involve Your Kids
Chores are life skills and will teach your kids valuable life lessons too. So involve your children in daily tasks from a young age and increase their responsibilities as they grow. It’s not punishment, it’s part of life and preparation for their future. And yes, in time it will help you too. If you want to learn more about it, how to beat resistance, when to start, how to address different ages... follow @samkelly_world, she's amazing!
5
Protect Your Energy
Mental load isn’t going away, we'll always have a considerable amount of responsibilities in current society. So do what you can to protect your energy: set boundaries, say no more often, carve out rest, drop perfection... And prioritize more joy and fun. The goal isn’t doing it all, but sharing it instead with the other members in your team. And focus on what actually matters, without losing yourself in the process.
To learn more about ways to preserve your energy and mental bandwidth check this post about reducing Decision Fatigue and this other about Setting Boundaries.
If you leave this post with an idea: You’re not alone, you’re not failing, and you’re certainly not imagining it. Mental load is real, and it's heavy, although pretty invisible. But it can be "seen", it can be shared, and it can be lightened. And you can take small, doable steps to make it better, for your marriage, for your kids, for future generations; but more than anything, for you.
Change takes time, but clarity brings peace.
Take action! ⏭️ What can you do today? Share this post with your partner or a friend and start (or re-start) the conversation! And then, take a simple next step from there, and then another, and another. Remember:
Slow and steady steps forward will get you further than big leaps that leave you stumbling back.
➡️ If you feel truly overwhelmed and don't even know where to start, how to prioritize things, or have trouble having productive conversations about it, don't hesitate to ask for help. A Life Coach can help you prioritize what truly matters to you, overcome obstacles, deal with blocks and fears, and guide you to success! If you want to talk about this or just share your experience, shoot an email at coach@martafores.com, I'll love to read you.
And don't forget to follow me on Instagram @martafores_coach for more tips on reducing your mental load, simplifying your life, and much more! If you haven't done it yet, you can also subscribe below ⤵️ to get new posts, templates, and simple tools to make your days easier.
