The Different Love Languages: How to Love and Be Loved Better
Have you ever felt like you're speaking a different language when expressing love? You pour your heart into doing things for your partner, your child, or a friend, yet they don’t seem to truly feel the love you're trying to show. Or, your birthday and other special occasions arrive, and you get disappointed at what others show you. Have you been there? Because I’ve been and it doesn’t feel good…
The reality is, love languages are not one-size-fits-all, and the way we express love might not be the way the people around us best receive it. And vice versa—the way others express love might not be the way we best receive it. Just to be clear, this isn’t about excusing neglect or emotional unavailability—that’s not love. This is about improving communication, but always with love, care, and respect as the foundation.
More Than Just Five Love Languages
Some of us have heard of Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love languages (click here to learn more about them):
💬 Words of Affirmation
🎬 Acts of Service
💝 Receiving Gifts
⏳Quality Time
🫂 Physical Touch
While these provide a helpful framework, human connection is far more complex. Love is personal and unique, with as many variations as there are people in the world. Some feel most loved through deep conversations, others through shared experiences, humor, or even practical support in times of stress. Understanding that love languages are fluid and individualized helps us navigate relationships more effectively.
Identifying Your Own Love Language
Before expecting others to understand your love language, it’s important to first identify it yourself. Ask yourself:
What makes you feel the most appreciated in a relationship?
When do you feel most connected to others?
What gestures from loved ones bring you the most joy?
Being clear about your love language allows you to communicate your needs effectively, preventing frustration or disappointment when someone expresses love differently than you expect.
👉 For example, I feel most appreciated when I am seen and valued for my contributions to the other person's life. I feel connected when we have meaningful conversations where we show ourselves as we are. I also love gestures like when someone plans experiences with me or simply sends a text to let me know they thought of me for whatever reason. Interestingly, while I love hugging and being hugged by my husband and kids, I don’t necessarily seek it from others and I'm normally comfortable not touching people. It's an insightful exercise to reflect on these personal preferences and how they shape our relationships.
>> If you haven't done it yet, please try!!
Learning to Speak Others' Love Languages
Recognizing that everyone experiences love differently is a game-changer. Instead of solely focusing on how you give love, shift your attention to how those around you receive it. Pay attention to:
What they complain about most in relationships (it might hint at an unmet love need).
How they show love to others (often, people express love in the way they wish to receive it).
What small actions or words light them up.
The key to strong, lasting relationships is not just making your own love language known but also learning to "speak" and truly "hear" the languages of your loved ones.
👉 For example, a person who complains that their partner never says "I love you," despite their partner constantly doing thoughtful things that show love and care, may be experiencing a love-language misunderstanding. Or consider a friend who instinctively massages your neck when you're in pain, hugs you when excited to see you, or comforts you with touch when you're feeling sad—this person likely speaks the love language of physical touch. Recognizing these patterns helps bridge the gap between how love is given and how it is received.
Love in All Relationships
This concept doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships. It’s just as important in friendships, family dynamics, and even professional settings.
>> Understanding your child’s love language can help them feel seen and valued.
>> Knowing your friend’s preferred way of receiving affection can strengthen your bond.
>> Even in the workplace, recognizing colleagues' appreciation styles can enhance teamwork and morale.
A Challenge for You
♥️ Take a moment today to reflect on how you express and receive love.
♥️ Start observing the love languages of the people closest to you.
♥️ Ask someone you love how you could love them better (and extend it to as many people as possible for amazing results!)
Because my conclusion for you today is very simple: in love, a small shift in effort can create deeper, more meaningful connections. Love is not just about how you give it—it’s about making sure the other person truly feels it. And the other way around.
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If you have any questions or would like to share your thoughts on this post, feel free to contact me at coach@martafores.com.
